Part 3: The Victim’s Voice

National Sexual Abuse Hotline

1 800-656-4673

13: *Male victim* I was around 5 when it started, you told me it was a game. When I started asking more questions, you said I’d get in trouble if I told anyone. As I got older, you told me if it feels good so what? I couldn’t tell my preacher-father for fear of condemnation to hell for your actions, not my own. I started acting out at home, screaming at my family, hitting my father, and began falling into a deep dark depression. You finally stopped when I was almost in high school and had started using terms such as assault, maybe I scared you or maybe I just got too old. Before I was 21 I’d attempted to take my life twice because I felt completely unworthy and thought your abuse had caused me to be a homosexual and it took years and therapy to separate your abuse from my sexual identity. I finally told my parents at 22. They believed me but I couldn’t tell them who because I was terrified of ripping my family apart. Plus, my mother would have ended your time on this earth and she would deal with the consequences, not you. I still flinch at an unexpected touch, night terrors still stalk my dreams, and I struggle to keep decorum when I see you on thanksgiving and Christmas when you pretend you never hurt me. BUT, your abuse made me aware of what to look for with abuse and I’ve correctly reported 6 cases of abuse and saved those children from more abuse. I’ve helped countless teenagers leave abusive relationships and focus on fostering a love for themselves and that they are worthy, not tainted, and will some day find a true reason to smile and not just mask the pain with one. It may sound strange, but I thank you for giving me the insight to help.

14: *Abuser is Desmond Logan* Maybe if I would have reported it, the other women wouldn’t have had to endure what they went through. And if he did this to me in 2005 then how many more has he done it to? You see I was in high school and working in a group in one of my classes I was taking. I was a junior this year. We all exchanged phone numbers so we could call about research we were doing together. I got a text one afternoon about meeting at our Public Library to work together. Only when I got there to learn the other 2 could not show up. I still didn’t think much of it. Sat down and began working on research. When we went to leave around 8 or so. It was dark, cold and I had to walk across the street to my car. If I close my eyes I can still picture everything that night. The trees bare, no traffic, how the street light glowed just enough to see to get to my car. He was parked next to me. My car was having issues and was older and need to run a bit before I drove off. My heater didn’t work so he asked if I wanted him to wait with me. He was a friend and was always nice to me. So I said yes and he said I could sit in his car so we didn’t freeze. That is when it went wrong. He made a move and tried to kiss me. I didn’t like him that way. So I pushed him away and told him I should just wait in my car. He grabbed my leg and kept locking his doors everytime I would try to get out. He even leaned over and held the door as he tried to grab me in my private area and chest. I kept thinking I have to get out of this car. Luckily for me I grew up with an older brother and he taught me how to fight by just being siblings and rough housing around at home. I mean as a girl I had to be tough to keep up with brothers and a neighborhood full of only boys. I pushed him off enough to get a good hit in that startled him enough that I could get out and into my car before he got around to my side. I sat outside my home for awhile crying and thinking maybe I did something to make him think I wanted him to do what he did. That if I told anyone I would be labeled at school because I sat in his car at night. That no one would believe that I thought I was meeting with 3 other people to work on a group assignment. You see when something happens to you it isn’t always a black and white decision on what to do. Your mind plays tricks with you. I still had to face him in class for 4 more months. It was hard. My favorite class I now hated.But I should have told someone. If maybe I would have then, the women he hurt would never have had to come forward with what he did. Because maybe I could have stopped him. So to the women, thank you for having the courage that my 17 year old self did not and fighting against him. You did so to get justice for you, to stop him from hurting others, and without knowing you got justice for that 17year old girl that has carried this burden for 14 years now. So for the ones saying you are shocked he did this, because he was a nice guy in high school. Well, rapist and abusers are usually people no one thinks would do it.

Not sure if you want my story, but this is the first time I ever shared it. I was just lucky enough that I got away and it didn’t go further. It doesn’t mean I still do not feel violated and that I’m not a victim of sexual assault.

15: I have always blamed my self for what happened. After all, I chose to hang out with both of my ex boyfriends. We smoked weed, drank whiskey together and I put myself in that situation. Right? Idk. We were having fun, & I was still in love with one of them. I was hoping that he would want me to stay in his room that night. I remember flashes of talking on the back porch, passing around the Jack Daniel’s bottle and then I remember throwing up in the bathroom while the one that I was still in love with was in there with me. I told him “please let me sleep in your room.” He just shook his head no. Last thing I remember was being carried over the other ones shoulder to another room. I woke up with my pants down. I still blame myself.

16: In elementary school, I was 8, a family friend would come to our house to spend the day with us on Saturdays. The family friend claimed to be a religious mentor and spent most of the time in the hang out space we had in our basement watching tv. We were sitting on the couch watching a random movie on tv and he laid a pillow over his lap and asked me if I trusted him. I nodded my head yes and then he put my hand down his pants to make me feel him. He then jumped up and took me to a back room in the basement where we had stored all of our camping gear. He told me to lay down on the ground after he took my clothes off and grabbed a steel rod that we used for a clothing line on camping trips. He took it and placed it over my neck while telling me, “If you tell ANYONE, they will all die and it will be your fault.” He raped me every time he got the chance for 6 years.

17: When I was 26 I had gone to visit my cousin and while visiting, her boyfriend decided it would be a good idea to massage my neck as I was suffering in pain due to an accident injury from a few years previous. I started having trouble with my hip injury from the same car accident and he then thought that he needed to massage my hip to help relieve my pain. He then proceeded to run his hands down my shorts to massage my hip. He then tells me to relax and undoes my pants to continue massaging my hip. He then pulls my shorts off after I continually tell him no. He then takes off all of my other clothes and forces himself on me. He just keeps telling me that the person I was dating at the time would be okay with it. That I just needed a release of stress and this was the best thing for me. My cousin sat in the next room listening, when I came out to leave, they told me that it sounded like I truly enjoyed myself and needed to get over it. The person I was dating at the time blamed me and believed it was consensual.

18: From the time I was about 5 until 10 my cousin made me give him blow jobs. I never thought it was sexual abuse because he wasn’t hurting me, so I didn’t tell my mom. Now thinking back on it, he was sick. He would say when you’re ready to have sex you can come to me.

When I was around 11, I met a friend of a friend and the first night he shoved me up against the washer in my own house kissing me forcefully pushed me onto the ground and had his fingers inside of me. I didn’t know what to do. I had just met him and he was a few years older. Then six months later he had become apart of my family , he was with us all the time because my mom felt sorry for him and his brother. We were spending the night at my cousins house (different from above) and he forced himself inside of me and ruptured my hymen. I was able to shove him off of me and run off to the bathroom. I was terrified I would be pregnant. ( 11 yrs old remember).

When I was twelve I went to spend the night with my ex-step mom, I still had a relationship with her after she divorced my dad. My mom dropped me off at her house and only her son was home. He tried to force himself inside me but I was able to keep my legs forced closed. And he gave up. I slept on the couch that night and I woke up to my ex step mom’s boyfriend rubbing my nipple through my shirt ( I have always had big boobs) and very noticeable at a young age. I was so confused and thought I had imagined it, but the way he laughed I knew it had been real.

When I was 13 there was a guy I had known since 2nd grade and I had always had a crush on him. His mom was an alcoholic and his dad was MIA so my mom kinda took him in. He took advantage of me and made me believe he wanted to date me. We were laying in my bed just talking and I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He said OK no sex but ended up shoving himself inside of me. I kicked and pushed him off. And left the room.

In 2015 I told my mom about my cousin’s sexual abuse, he lived with her at the time. And she said nothing to him, she didn’t get angry or throw him out or anything. There was nothing there and that’s when I realized family doesn’t really mean family. You build your own family.

19: My “friend” was suppose to give me a ride home from school that day just like any other day; only this time she decided to give two more “friends” a ride home. I always sat in the front seat but this time I was made to sit in the back. The boy sitting next to me was someone I had known for years. Not a close friend but a friend of sorts. He was a popular boy so everyone wanted to be friends with him. He had always been pushy and arrogant. He had flirted with me for years but I was not interested in him like that. That day in that back seat he decided he was going to try and go pass the flirting and “get some”. After all I had a reputation for being promiscuous. He started with asking me to do things and I said no. He kept asking and I kept saying no. Then he starts grabbing my hand trying to make me feel his erect penis. I continued to say no and pull away. He unzips his pants and pulls out his penis. Keeps telling me to touch it and give him a BJ. I told him no. He starts grabbing my neck and pulling my hair trying to force me to give in. I kept begging him to stop. He gets enraged and starts punching the drivers seat in front of him and kicking it. The driver and other passenger tell him to stop. Stop kicking and punching not stop trying to force their friend into oral sex. He grabs my neck again and slams my head into the side of the car hitting the window. He keeps trying to force me to perform oral sex on him. The driver starts telling me to “just give him what he wants!” She continues driving to their drop off. I finally give in to his demands. I can’t think I can’t breathe I can’t wrap my head around the situation. I just did it. We get to their stop and the boys get out. We get to my house and I get out. The driver is suppose to be my friend. She is freaking out and pissed. But she never tried to stop it. She never stopped the car and told them to get out. She never used her cell phone to call someone. She just continued giving them a ride and taking me home. After this event. I didn’t tell anyone. Not my other friends not my family. I avoided the boy at school. But my friend continues to be friends with the boys; after all they are popular. My friend apparently told someone else what happened and the truth finally came out. The girl who heard the story had been assaulted by the same boy and contacted the authorities and told them I was a victim as well. I didn’t press charges.
Everyone at the school found out. They all talked about me. I was a “liar” and a “whore”. His friends stood behind him, his girlfriend stood behind him, his friend who witnessed the assault stood behind him. Even though he obviously committed these assaults on me and other girls. I’ve seen this guy at friends houses and parties and he always acts nice to my face and like nothing ever happened. I have never forgotten. I can’t pretend. I can’t understand how so many people and friends failed me. Failed to do the right thing. As a parent I will stand behind my child. I will protect my child. I will not just stand on the sidelines and do nothing. This event forever changed me. After I was assaulted by this guy , after I was raped on vacation, after I was assaulted by a family member my life was forever changed. I went down a bad path and had no self worth. It took years for me to find myself and find my self worth. I am a strong woman and a good woman. I love my family and children. I will educate my children on consent. I will educate my children on doing the right thing. My children will know their worth.

20: It was spring break and I was on vacation. The girls and I had met some guys. Although we were just teenagers, we were all drinking and having fun. After a while we were told we had to go back to our condo. I snuck off to go back to the guys and brink. When I came back they poured me a beer. I don’t remember having more than one. I blacked out. My next memory is one of the guys on top of me. I realize I’m in a bedroom and the guy is having sex with me. I black out again. I wake up to another guy shoving his penis in my mouth. I vaguely remember biting his penis because I knew that I was being raped. I don’t know how many guys hurt me. Was it the two or was there more while I was blacked out. I manage to take off out of their condo and find my way back to my condo. My mom put me in the bathtub with all my clothes on. There was little drops of blood on my chest and seamen on my stomach. I know I was roofied. I know I was raped. We never talked about it again. The next day I could barely eat. I went on with my vacation like nothing happened. I never spoke about it with family. I only recently told a friend. I don’t like the word victim. I don’t want to be known as one. But the facts are I am a victim.

1 thought on “Part 3: The Victim’s Voice”

  1. This made me weep, I am so sorry for all the pain. I highly recommend Joyce Meyers books she was a victim of incest for 15 years and her mother knew and abandoned her in that situation. Sadly other men sexually violated her as well. She is totally healed now of all the poison that it left in her soul. I sincerely hope everyone who has lived through and with this will find their peace and healing. Check out her sermons on emotional healing she speaks candidly about the abuse and gives all who have been the victim of this ugly crime hope. Much love

    Liked by 1 person

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