I cried myself to sleep last night.
After my last post, I already had a pit in my stomach.
I hate to ruffle feathers. I hate feeling like I may have made someone else feel bad.
Then I had to have a discussion about it and couldn’t stop the tears. Not because the other person didn’t agree with me, but because I don’t understand.
I don’t like things I don’t understand. I feel like I need to know all of the answers.
One of the worst parts of my OCD is the obsessing.
I’ll get something in my mind and I won’t stop until I’ve found out every little detail there is to know.
Granted, most of the time it’s something ridiculous like the Mayan calender, UFOs, or the moon landing. But there are other times where it’s legitimate like vaccines, foster care, or religion.
I think that’s one of the reasons Christianity has been hard for me most of my life.
I question everything.
And there aren’t answers to some of my questions.
That’s when I’m thankful I don’t lean on my own understanding, but on something much greater.
My husband calls me Peggy Pessimist. He thinks I always expect the worst. He’s kind of right, but I’d never admit that to him.
One of many things I haven’t mastered yet is having faith.
Fear of the unknown overcomes me sometimes. I’ll lay awake at night in anticipation for what’s next.
That’s unhealthy, and I know it.
Faith in the Lord is having complete trust or confidence without knowing all of the answers.
Trusting that even though we may be in the midst of a terrible storm, that it will get better.
You don’t have to know what’s just around the corner. You have to say a prayer and take that step and trust that whatever it is, God has your back.
I remember about 6 months ago at community group, we were talking about this. One person chimed in and said what an amazing example of faith me and my husband were.
I wanted to giggle (but I didn’t because that’s rude).
But listening to what she had to say, she was right.
I had faith that my husband would get clean.
I had faith that my marriage would be restored.
We had faith when he lost his job, twice in a year.
We had faith when everything about our lives was broken and hurting.
I didn’t know the answers, but I trusted and believed that things would get better.
Maybe it’s the enemy on me recently. Telling me I can’t rest in that truth and demanding I have answers.
I’m learning, very slowly, that I don’t need every answer to every question. I just need to stop, pray, and listen to where the Lord is leading me.
My prayer for myself is that I can let go of the unknown and have the tiny amount of faith it takes to get through this life riddled with worries.
I’m praying and believing that I can live out Proverbs 3:5-6.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths.